Moving, Grad School & Isolation

I took a poll on Twitter to see what topic people would like for my podcast assignment for JRN 504 and it was overwhelmingly in favor of me discussing PhD/Grad school life. So I thought I'd write a little bit about that today.

I went to Philly this weekend to run the Philly Love Half marathon with my good friend, D. We grew up together in Minnesota, lost touch during college but later reconnected when we both found ourselves on the East Coast (~5 years ago). She lives in Boston and me in New York. I can't say how great it is to have someone from back home out here. She gets it - we can really talk and understand about how different life can be from the two places (it's mostly the people). Also it's fun to discuss our childhoods and where everyone else ended up. When we hang out, it feels like a little slice of home, minus the cold winters. She did break the news to me on this trip that she plans on moving back. I'm happy for her and I understand because I'm also ready for the New York chapter of my life to close soon but I'm also a bit sad in a bittersweet sort of way.

Our fourth race in Philly

In 2014, I moved 1200 miles away for a job in NYC. It was really hard. I cried a lot. I questioned if I made the right choice. I did. But it was still hard. That summer, D and I reconnected and it helped. A lot.

Moving puts you in a new space and in a new way of life and while any change is hard, that isn't the hardest. The hardest part about moving is personal connections - your friends and family. As humans we need to feel connected to others. Like I said, change is hard. But changes in relationships are REALLY [insert profanity here] hard. But you should realize, friendships come and go; regardless of whether you move or not. And relationships/connections with friends and family also evolve throughout your lifetime even if you stay in the town you grew up in. But if you do move, these relationships are essentially forced to change all at once. And that's indescribably difficult.

And that's what happens in grad school too. [I realize that many people move far for grad school as well, thus facing the double whammy at once which I don't even want to imagine. But I feel for you, I really do.]

Moving and grad school can both be very isolating but they don't have to be. I promise! Although, like all good things, it will take work and it will take time.

In grad school, your friends and family are often not nearby and even if they are, you probably still feel like they just don't understand what you're going through. You know what this sounds like? Teenage angst. Do you remember that? I do and I don't know about you, but it was mostly just me being over dramatic. "Mom, you just don't understand!!" She did, you were just being ridiculous. It's silly to think people don't understand you, they do, especially if you take the time to communicate with them. While your friends and family likely can't 100% understand what you're going through or feeling, I promise you they want to be there and try to understand. So let them. Talk to them, try and explain what you can, and be vulnerable - the worst thing you can do is put up a facade about how amazing everything is going. Because it's not. And maybe your parents will never understand your science but they will understand and feel for your heartache, they will understand the feeling of tying your self-worth to something you shouldn't (this isn't something isolated to academia). And talk to your classmates, be vulnerable with them too - you'll be amazed how good it feels to just open up, and they will likely follow suit. They might never understand what back home is like for you (although I have found other Minnesotan grad students here, so maybe you can find someone from back home too) but they will understand how frustrating working with that one professor is or how the university raising fees is just too much.

Going full circle: look at this vintage thermocycler/PCR machine at the Science History Institute in Philadelphia I saw this past weekend [I highly recommend visiting it when in Philly, I totally nerded out there].  Look how it has evolved! This evolution took a lot of work, and I wouldn't be surprised if it took tears too, to get it to where it is today. And I bet it will be different 10 years from now as well. Which machine would you prefer to use? The one better suited for today or a nostalgic blast from the past? That's how you should think of your relationships, they might not be what they were, but if you put the work in you can have them evolve to what you need today.

Thermocycler/PCR

Speaking of PCR, I better get back to work and fail at it again ;)