Feeling like myself again

I am finally feeling like myself again. And it feels good.

What was wrong? Everything yet nothing.

Why do I say that?

Because I have anxiety.

And yes, I have seen a therapist about it. For the most part, my anxiety is fairly well controlled. No, I do not take medications but I do some cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) techniques. And I am learning to see anxiety as a tool rather than a detriment.

Seriously though. My anxiety is definitely responsible for driving me through and into academia. And for that I feel gratitude. But I appreciate it better when it's controlled.

So for me, my anxiety is largely made up of rumination which means I get stuck on one thought for a long time. Days. Weeks. Months. Some times this can be good like when I'm stuck on troubleshooting an experiment.

Image Credit: @PositivelyPresent

The issue, when it becomes anxiety, is when it's on a bad thought that I don't need to get stuck on like a shitty situation in a relationship (this is my kryptonite). But really interpersonal relationships especially romantic ones are what stress me out the most. I'm kind of embarrassed to so publicly admit that so moving on...

Getting back to how my anxiety can be seen as good. Well it has trained me ruminate on one thought for long periods and think about something from all angles. Like ALL angles. Which one could definitely see as being great for a grad student or academic in general. But I'm definitely still in training at times for controlling what the thought in focus is. I'm not sure if I'll ever have full control of that but I plan to work on it until I die. But I have learned though that running is good way for me to stick on to a thought and troubleshoot. Running is also a really good way for me to de-stress when those bad ruminating thoughts are floating around. Also another positive of having anxiety is that it gives me a lot of empathy for others which I think is desperately needed in academia.

So what do I mean when I say my my anxiety is well controlled. Well it means I have gotten pretty good at showing those bad, intrusive thoughts the door. How do I do that? Well with a CBT technique called reframing or cognitive restructuring. Basically what that means is I challenge the thought by taking a hard look at that thought and my past negative thought behaviors. Like instead of thinking I am the worst graduate student ever because I'm not being productive and see how it is probably incorrect and I correct it. Maybe I am over generalizing. I am probably over generalizing. Especially if I'm thinking something like I'm never going to be good at this or I'm always a failure. I might instead think something more reasonable and healthy like even the best researchers need a break so it's okay that I took today off from being productive, I did a good job yesterday and I will do a good job tomorrow. Or like oh my gosh how am I ever going to get this project in by the deadline, I'm definitely just going to fail and embarrass myself to something like it is okay to feel stressed out about this project but I shouldn't feel anxious, I don't need to worry about failing as my track record gives more than enough evidence that I won't, let me break this down into smaller chunks to finish in time. By the way, breaking up a big task into smaller tasks is actually another CBT technique called successive approximation. But I often forget that because I feel like it's such a common practice that no one really thinks of it as a therapy tool. Which is why it should also serve as an illustration that stigmatization of therapy is really just ridiculous and that everyone can benefit from therapy whether they have a mental illness or not.

And I hate to say this publicly but I was really on stuck on the thought that I had to out of my apartment because I could no longer live with my SO. Like I thought about it so much that I thought it was what I needed to do. The reality is that yes, I need to get out of my apartment but no, I do not need to leave my partner. But the issue was, it wasn't until I realized I was grieving the idea of moving out and breaking up that I realized it was because that wasn't the right choice. That it was a bad thought. Don't get me wrong, my relationship has its ups and downs and my partner has some bad habits that I don't like (as do I) but none of them are deal breakers.

So getting back to why I was so anxious because usually my anxiety doesn't really have much to do with the thought (like I said they are usually about my romantic interests); I am always on edge at the start and end of semesters. Although I can definitely say that this semester bookend anxiety definitely was not as big of deal in undergrad (mostly just trouble falling asleep and bad dreams) but that's because the pressures of what needed to be accomplished each semester was so much less, I really only ever had to show up for class and take exams. Now I have to do novel work.  Woof, typing that even made me a bit anxious. Also then there is this whole pandemic thing if you haven't noticed *laughs uncomfortably* just heightening anxiety everywhere.

Anyway, so I know that school starting and ending is a trigger (one of a handful) for my anxiety. Identifying triggers and ways to manage it are crucial to keeping my anxiety well controlled. And by well controlled I don't mean gone or cured. I mean manageable. Some of my other triggers are not going outside or moving body enough . Which is why I often take outdoor walks and enjoy running. But that week had terrible weather and I really can't get enough movement in my tiny apartment. So really it was a culmination of everything.

I'm the type that when my anxiety gets bad I like to just withdraw. I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to see people. I don't want to think. I just want to sleep. So that's what I did for a few days. Because why not? I had the time (thanks pandemic?) and the weather was still garbage. So I decided to be kind to myself and let myself take the time I needed but knowing that I could not stay like that forever. And I would not let myself stay like that for too long. I could only temporarily wallow, then I needed to bounce back.

Image Credit: @HelloSunshine

My bouncing back strategies involve easy, feel good productivity activities like cleaning (although not lately since I feel all I do is wash dishes), being outside (done, thank you sun for coming out!), an easy run (check!), reading a good book (yes x 3). If it were "normal" time I probably would have needed to spend less time wallowing because of work commitments in which case I'd maybe of only taken the weekend or a sick day if it were midweek. But since I didn't have to, I just let it run its course with a little less forced of an ending. And if it were "normal" time, I probably would have also gone for a solo coffee date at a cafe because I have found this really forces me to get back on track. 1. Because I love going to the cafe. Like I'm not sure I can do this and not enjoy it. 2. Because it requires me to get out of bed which is usually half the battle. 3. Because it also requires me to go into public which means likely showering but if anything at least getting dressed which really does make me feel better.

The only thing I f*cked up with my wallowing session was the accountability challenge I publicly set with daily blog posts for the month of May. But whatever, I'm the boss in this case so I can change the rules. So don't worry, I will make up for it! With quantity of posts anyway, you'll still have 31 posts this month to suffer through, quality is debatable as always.

Addendum: Some might question that if my ruminations are about my relationships then the anxiety is probably caused by them because them and if anxiety is caused by them then they probably aren't good relationships. Like while I totally get that logic. And there are probably definitely times that has been true in my life, I have also noticed over many years and with therapy that they usually aren't the cause of my anxiety but rather an expression or projection of my anxiety. I feel like they are something I can control or change so I cling on to them. Like I think that if we just went on more dates I would be happier and less stressed about school, etc. And while I do think my current partner and I could and should go on more dates (and I've asked more than once), more dates definitely isn't a panacea. I don't particularly like that this is how my anxiety manifests (damn that was the word I was looking for before when I said expression or projection), it makes relationships more difficult, but it is what it is and I am working on it which is all I can do. And it has gotten better over the years. And it will continue to get better every year.